if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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