happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
