All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
