just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
