Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
