You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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