remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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