I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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