I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
