Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
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