I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Please don't give away my fajitas
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
