What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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