I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize