omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
