My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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