I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
