Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize