Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Well I just put wine in my tea
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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