Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
