There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
