she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
