WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
