What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
