I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
