Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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