I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
