She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
