My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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