she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
