I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
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