Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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