Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
