Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
