'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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