He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
