3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize