just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
4 words: hood of his car
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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