We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
