yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
ok first of all what the fuck
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
