Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
