Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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