Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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