Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize