During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
