i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
My vagina just clenched in fear
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