i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
this hospital has no fireball
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
