it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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