John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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