nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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