I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
