come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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