Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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