Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
