these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
