please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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