Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
