Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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