Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
