My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
