woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
