Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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