Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
