chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
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