On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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