still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
