you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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