I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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