i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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