we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
